WARNING: This is gonna be a weird read for you. Also, the verses may not mesh with the text right after, but I just wanted to include them in this post.
It’s the last month of the year again. I’ve read somewhere that most couples break up in January. What a way to start the year! For me though, the period when the mistakes have been made, the worst words have been said, the dead end of a relationship has been realized, that’s the saddest part. To those in happy relationships that have survived countless holidays, good for you. I type these words for the unfortunate ones.
December is the jolliest season for many… and most heartbreaking for some. What pushes couples to part ways? Is it the need to start afresh in the coming year? The prospect of something better, someone better, someplace better? Are we really driven to ponder more about where our lives are heading, relationships included? I don’t have the statistics or formal social studies to support my observation. I state these merely from what I’ve seen with friends and acquaintances over the years. “In a relationship with” becomes “single”, a barrage of emo tweets, a sudden PM on Facebook saying “It hurts…”
It was also one December that changed my life. A December that started it for me…
This look was inspired by Taylor Swift’s Back To December music video…
|In my mind, I sat huddled in a corner, feeling the cold setting in, seeping from the breeze, into my skin, into my bones, into my bleeding heart…
|I wrote you letters, a few of them. I deleted the blog I posted them in though, but the words I’ve said that rang true before, now unavailable online, are forever etched in my memory.
|Natural look with neutral eyeshadow, minimal blush, and peachy-coral nude lips
I’m so glad you made time to see me.
How’s life? Tell me how’s your family.
I haven’t seen them in a while.
I met him in 2009.
He often commented on my Facebook status posts and liked my photos.
I didn’t think that he had a crush on me then. I thought he was just friendly.
We had entertaining exchanges there in that virtual third space of ours (let me borrow this Mr. John Green).
I was in love with someone else then, and one random day, I told him about that guy I really liked.
A short while after that confession, he posted something in his blog that he probably didn’t know I’ve read.
That he fell for a friend because she entrusted to him a secret.
The friend he was pertaining to sounded a lot like me…
You’ve been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
It was Christmas vacation and I was up to my neck with schoolwork, but for some reason, I found time to chat with him online. I thought it was irrational for people to just fall in love via the internet. More so, this was a person I saw at school, and I had no excuse to let myself be lured into love’s trap by these exchanges, in which the current mood/state of mind/emotions of the other could only be imagined. The new year was all-new for me indeed, because I was with someone.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die
There was a humongous elephant in the room that we chose to ignore.
We ran in circles around it, happy in our foolishness, living in our own little bubble.
After a while, the elephant decided to make its presence felt.
It came crashing down on us, with the most of its weight on me.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, “I’m sorry for that night,”
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you.
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine.
I’d go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.
It was our organization’s Christmas party. He pointedly ignored me, even leaving his seat so I couldn’t talk to him. I had a hissy fit that afternoon. I’m not used to being neglected, especially by those who matter to me.
There was a game in which he and I were “picked as partners” by our very thoughtful bros and sisses in the org. Needless to say, it was very awkward. Then the president of the org requested that a friend and I sing Back to December because she loves Taylor Swift.
These days I haven’t been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin’.
When your birthday passed and I didn’t call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized I loved you in the fall.
The next few months, I tried to be what he wanted me to be…
I thought that maybe, when I’ve pulled a Hercules and eliminated the biggest barrier, I would find him waiting for me on the other side all along…
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was “Goodbye”.
Then that last talk happened.
I was the desperate one, and he didn’t want me to be desperate.
I told him I’d make him fall for me again, and he said it’s not possible anymore.
Someone from his past came along, sealing the deal.
Then I just broke down, went mad for a couple of months.
Dropped 18 lbs in two weeks, lost confidence, lost the light in my eyes.
All food was bland, all music was for mourning, all TV shows mocked my broken heart.
Stalked the shit out of his online accounts, alternately ranted about him and pined for him to friends.
Let my last school requirement gather dust.
Cried a lot. Stopped crying, Resumed crying.
Asked my mom, “Why does it hurt so bad? How did he just stop loving me?”
“First cut is the deepest.”
Damn straight! It sure is.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry…
Everyone tried their best to understand me.
Even our common friends were very helpful.
I asked them often how he was doing.
If only I could list down here all my attempts to get him back.
It’s embarrassing really. (Nothing too grand or utterly shameful though)
Then one day, my best friend snapped.
She couldn’t take my moping around anymore.
“It’s been half a year and you want to be stuck there forever?”
She enumerated the reasons I had to stop being selfish just because I was hurt.
She told me I should stop asking for closure because I had the power to give that to myself.
I cleaned up my act when I sobered up.
NOW A BREAK FROM THE DRAMA
After my cleanse-tone-moisturize routine, I applied my foundation, concealer, and powder.
For the eye makeup, I did an interpretation of Gossmakeupartist’s take on what Taylor Swift wore in the music video. (I actually couldn’t see a decent photo of it and since she had bangs that covered her eyelids, I just trusted what the respected Youtube guru demonstrated)
I applied a neutral matte eyeshadow on primed lids, then applied a neutral shimmery eyeshadow on top. Then I applied a bronzy eyeshadow on the eyelid. I lined my lower lashline with the same bronze eyeshadow. Then I used a brown eyeliner that had glitters on my upper (smudged it a bit) and lower lash lines but I wasn’t satisfied with the effect, so I used a brown gel liner which I topped with the middle brown shade of my brow powder. I lined my lower waterline with a black pencil eyeliner. I used a shimmery cream pencil for the inner corners of my eyes. Then I filled in my brows with a mix of the darkest shade and the medium brown shade. Then I curled my lashes and applied mascara.
For the lips, my friend borrowed my trusty Etude House peachy nude lipstick, so I had to improvise. I mixed three lip products to achieve this color, starting with a nude pink lipstick, a concealer nude lipstick, and a peachy nude.
For the cheeks, I applied a rosy shade and then a nude one.
I contoured my nose using a mineral foundation that was darker than my skin tone. When it got too dark, I applied the powder I used to set my foundation. I highlighted the high planes of my face using a new eyeshadow that’s perfect for the job!
Ferro Cosmetics Ultimate Mineral Foundation in Toasted Beige (nose contour)
Snoe Beauty HyperFunction Fond de Teint
Fashion 21 eyeshadow in 19 (highlighter)
Snoe Beauty Poudre Extraordinaire
K-Palette Zero Kuma Concealer in 03
Wong Kar Wai for Shu Uemura blush in Pleasure Rose
Tarte Amazonian Clay blush in Exposed
Majolica Majorca Jeweling Pencil in 71 (inner corners of eyes)
Majolica Majorca Cream Pencil Liner in BK999
Majolica Majorca Jeweling Pencil in BR633
ELF Eyelid Primer
San San gel eyeliner in Brown
Majolica Majorca Lash Gorgeous Wing Neo BK999
Wet N Wild Coloricon Trio in Walking on Eggshells (eyelid and crease shades)
Pinkies Collection eyeshadow in Skintone
IN2IT Waterproof Eyebrow Colour ER 01 eyebrowns
Sophie Martin J’Adore lipstick in Caramel Sugar
Beauty UK lipstick in Chelsea
Avon Ultra Moisture Rich lipstick in Sheer Buff
Marionnaud premium slanted blush brush N3
spatula (isama ba raw)
Marionnaud slanted eyeliner & eyebrows brush N38
Sigma E25 blending brush
Artist Studio slanted eyeshadow brush
Artist Studio blending brush
Fanny Serrano small lash curler
ELF powder brush
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right.
I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
I felt better around this time, bitterness mostly gone.
I had blocked him from all my social networking sites.
I didn’t care if it’s petty or if it resonated sourgraping.
I was just eager to love myself more.
I admit, there was a point when I wanted him to think of this song and think about me. That I was someone he regretted losing.
In the end I realized it was quite narcissistic, that I didn’t really need someone else to confirm my worth.
So I let it go…
Forgiveness, like the acceptance of truth, sets us free.
It’s December again. How time flies.
Each flip of the calendar marks an end and a beginning.
Of what, only we can determine and know…
Did I spend my year right?
Have I contributed something good to the world, to my loved ones?
Have I become a better person?
Have I hurt someone? Changed his life for the worse?
Have I loved? Have I lost? Have I experienced both?
…and from there as the new year comes, we hopefully have become wiser, stronger,
better in more ways than one.
Turned over a new leaf..
A clean slate…
A blank canvas…
To fill with new words to continue our stories.
With new photos that capture precious snippets of our lives.
To paint on with the different colors that represent our experiences, the people we meet, the emotions we allow ourselves to feel…
I go back to December all the time…
Congratulations on surviving this post! 😛
I told you, it’s gonna be a weird read.
Advanced Merry Christmas everyone!
Let us not forget the reason for the season:
remembering Jesus’ birth!